Monday, February 18, 2013

Bitter musings

I had one of those light bulb moments again. It always really bugged me why Adam was such a lousy lecturer. He would dance around the subject, change tangent or never fully explain. He did this much when asked a direct question, at first I thought it was a confidence thing, which was how he explained it. It came to me that it was not, it was in fact the opposite. It was about power, if he didn’t give you all the facts, then you were still on the back foot, you were still in the dark, you were not equal, and all Adam had was what he had read by others. Adam liked the dark. I never knew him really at all, yet he knew me, sometimes he would use that against me. “This is how you feel.” He never really knew what I thought. Any challenge to Adam was dealt with a threat of “Fuck off, move out if you don’t like X or Y or Z.” He hated sharing anything, a selfish, over spoilt brat. Taking food from his anorexic girlfriend and threatening a friend that he would kill her baby if she poured another glass of wine. I still hate him, hate him in that shaking, pain in the gut way, I still fear him. Collecting shoes from Brecknock Road gave me the fear. I can’t believe how he destroyed me, yet nothing bad happens to him. Even when his brother died, he turned it into him and his victim addiction. He played the victim card after he battered me and I phoned the police, he played the victim when he could not play the winner card. Adam never liked to lose. He couldn’t even own simple losses, he always had to win. That’s what still scares me and keeps me up at night. I guess I won’t feel safe until he dies. Then maybe I can grieve in a normal way, rather than this fucked up way I am now. Death seems to absolve people of even the most heinous crimes, unless they are Adam. I hope however way he dies, it really fucking hurts.

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