Thursday, August 23, 2012

Black dog

The past 3 months have been difficult; what started as a cloud following me turned into a staring at the abyss. What do you do when faced with that? I threw a pebble in and took to the couch. Facing my birthday and wanting it to end left me crying under my duvet for a full week, until Toby kindly visited me. Beasley was tolerant and offered me a friendly paw or a wide berth, depending on the wetness of cheek or distorted of mouth I was. Camden and Islington Mental Health team offered me a bed at a crisis centre, that tossed me right in. Today was OK, I was sad, I'm often sad, but everything felt normal. I have cried, I cry a lot, but it was OK and the tears dried easily and the anger came back. I wish I didn't feel angry, it's so exhausting. As draining as being in a toxic relationship, but it keeps me going. I'm clinging on, to my home, my sanity, at times my life, but I'm going nowhere. I'm alone for this week, that is not scary, I wish it was and felt normal, but I'm not scared and I'm often scared. I haven't thrown up since Monday although my stomach pains are still there, I'm hoping I can feel normal enough for them to stop. I guess the hoping is what keeps and kept me going. I've stopped seeing people, I'm doing what I can cope with, it's making me bitter and old. It's going to stop. If anyone I know is reading, give me a call.

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